


Goodbye

by stepouttathesun



Category: Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Death, Depression, Grief, M/M, Suicide, Trigger warnings:, sadness?, there's a lot of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-03-01 10:59:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13293405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stepouttathesun/pseuds/stepouttathesun
Summary: Simon was gone.





	Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone,  
> A year ago today, I lost my best friend to suicide. That was one of the hardest experiences of my life to deal with. I'll never forget the pain that I felt when I heard the news, and the pain I'm still feeling now. 
> 
> Suicide is a very real and very painful thing for everyone around the victim. If you're considering suicide, remember that someone cares about you. That's what my friend had forgotten, he didn't remember that I loved him, and so did his family and other friends. We were crushed after he died.
> 
> Please remember that someone cares. Please remember that there's so many things to live for. Think of your future spouse or pet. Think of everyone you love and your happy memories. So many people care about you, okay? No matter what, things get better. That's so cliche, I know, but it really does. Stay alive, please.
> 
> If you ever need to talk, I'm always here.

He dropped the piece of paper in his hands, and fell to his knees, hands on the ground. He couldn't sob, he couldn't do anything but sit there. He felt helpless, hopeless. He felt like the pain would never end. 

Simon was gone.

Bram's brain couldn't wrap around that fact. Simon, his perfect boyfriend with the blinding smile and the moon grey eyes and the messy blond hair was...gone. Bram would never be able to wrap him in his arms or laugh at his sarcastic, wonderful sense of humor. The smile that Bram had just for Simon would never appear on his face again. 

Simon was gone. 

Not only was he gone, but he had committed suicide. He took his life with his own hands. Bram knew he was depressed and was taking antidepressants, but he hadn't known he was suicidal. He knew he couldn't cure Simon's depression, but he sure as hell tried.

He tried to make Simon's laugh as much as he could. Every chance he got, Bram kissed him on the lips. He tried to make him happy through the dark spots, when Simon couldn't even leave his room. He left when he knew Simon needed alone time, and when he didn't, Bram bombarded him with hugs. Bram tried to make him as happy as he could be, even with depression.

Because when someone is depressed, they're not sad all the time. Sure, they have awful, crippling moments. But there are happy ones too. Bram just wanted to make Simon happy.

And Bram thought he was, at least a little. Bram thought he was getting better. Between stolen kisses and an up in his antidepressant dosages, he thought that Simon was just getting a little better. Any progress was progress, and that's what Bram had always told Simon. But now Simon was... Bram couldn't say it. Not yet.

His note read:

 

Dear Bram,  
I’m sorry. I sorry I disappointed you. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough.

None of this was your fault, Bram. This is my and my brain and I just need an escape. You did everything you could. I felt happy when I was around you, but it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t escape from everything in my head.

When you kissed my scars on my wrist every time you saw new ones, I knew I was in love with you. You actually care about me, and I know that, but for some reason deep down I can’t believe it. I can’t believe that someone as handsome and perfect as you would love me and it’s insane. 

I’m so sorry. I really am. I know you’re going to be upset by this but I mean how upset can you get? It’s just me, you still have Abby and Leah and Garrett and Nick. You have boys flirting with you all the time since we started dating. You’ll find someone. You deserve so much better than me.

We got together our junior year. You had a crush on me since 9th, I still don't know how. I love you Bram. You're perfect. This isn't about you, this is about me. I can't hold on anymore. I remember the times we had for the past year and a half we were dating. I remember all the Harry Potter talks, I remember everything about us. And those memories will be with me forever.

I just need to get away from here. I need to get away from all the things telling me I'm not good enough. I need to get away from feeling like I'm not good enough for you. I need to stop feeling like I'm worth it.

I'm not good enough for anything. I don't deserve you. I'm sorry, Bram. Find a boyfriend who you love. Not me, a sad excuse for a boy.

I love you. I really do.  
-Simon

Bram broke, or at least it felt like it. 

Simon thought...Simon thought that Bram didn't care about him. Simon didn't think that he loved him. Simon thought that Bram deserved better than him.

There wasn't anything better than Simon in Bram's eyes.

Bram couldn't believe that Simon didn't see that in himself. That's what hurt Bram the most. It hurt Bram that Simon didn't see how fantastic he was. Bram knew he would never find a boyfriend as great as Simon. He might never find a boyfriend again.

**********************************

Simon's funeral was so hard. Bram wanted to go up and speak, but he couldn't. He saw the tears in his parent's eyes. He saw Nora sitting in silence, looking down at her hands and wiping the tears away. He saw Alice staring off into the distance, grabbing Theo's hand so hard that both of their knuckles were almost white. 

Sitting next to Garrett, Abby, Leah, and Nick, Bram felt empty. He had a whole in his heart that was Simon size. The love of his life had left him forever. Leah and Abby were so close together that there was no space between them. Garrett, who Bram had never seen cry, now had a few tears running down his cheeks. Bram sat in silence, longing for Simon's hand to hold tight to try to get through a difficult time.

But the difficult time was the fact that Simon was dead. 

After the funeral, Bram camped out on the couch, not even talking to his mother. Losing the person he loved the most felt like something was missing from Bram's life, something bigger than a boyfriend. 

Simon was more than Bram's boyfriend. Simon was Bram's confidante, someone that Bram could always talk to. He was Bram's study partner, one of the only people in school who almost matched Bram's love for English and books. He was someone who Bram could talk about Harry Potter with for hours. And he was also Bram's best friend. 

Bram couldn't even cry, there were no tears left for him. He had cried them all out in the weeks that he was alone. Bram felt empty. He could barely breathe. Bram loved Simon and now... Simon was dead.


End file.
